


Flashbacks

by kickassfu



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know enough about ptsd but I tried to do it as respectfully as I could, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Quentin has ptsd, Short, and eliot tries to help, scenario after the monster is gone, season 4 compliant, short appearance from Julia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-27 04:41:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18189899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kickassfu/pseuds/kickassfu
Summary: Quentin had done things he couldn’t even speak of to get Eliot back; he threw himself at the problem until everything eventually worked out - but by doing that, bits and pieces of him chipped away without his notice. He had been fine at the start, fine wasn’t even the proper word, he was ecstatic, happy, Eliot was back after all and he finally felt whole.Things didn’t last long, it was like no one he loved ever got to be happy for more than 5 seconds at a time, himself included - it was such utter bullshit.It was something random, on a random day, at a random time, he doesn’t even remember what triggered it anymore but one second he was drinking coffee and the next he was being choked by the Monster. Quentin stood up to him back then, even as he felt the crushing strength of Eliot’s- no, the monster’s, fingertips on his throat. It didn’t feel like a memory, it felt present and painful.





	Flashbacks

**Author's Note:**

> I got this prompt and tried my best: Quentin tells Eliot about what he did with the monster to free El because he had a terrible PTSD flashback and El saw it and knew he needed to get it out.

Quentin had done  _ things _ he couldn’t even speak of to get Eliot back; he threw himself at the problem until everything eventually worked out - but by doing that, bits and pieces of him chipped away without his notice. He had been fine at the start, fine wasn’t even the proper word, he was ecstatic,  _ happy _ , Eliot was back after all and he finally felt whole.

 

Things didn’t last long, it was like no one he loved ever got to be happy for more than 5 seconds at a time, himself included - it was such utter bullshit.

 

It was something random, on a random day, at a random time, he doesn’t even remember what triggered it anymore but one second he was drinking coffee and the next he was being choked by the Monster. Quentin stood up to him back then, even as he felt the crushing strength of Eliot’s- no,  _ the monster’s _ , fingertips on his throat. It didn’t feel like a memory, it felt present and painful.

 

Eventually he shook himself off of it, hands trembling and heart beating so hard it hurt. 

 

Quentin stood there for  _ 10, 20, 30 minutes _ , he wasn’t sure...time was wonky and weird, his brain still reeling from the flashback. He hoped it was a one-off, something random, that wouldn’t happen again - maybe he was just tired.

 

From then on it got worse, more frequent and more vivid, and so he closed himself off from everyone, not wanting anyone to know what was happening.  _ Especially Eliot _ ...no matter how much his heart begged for him, for his peace and his skin, his brain twisted everything. 

 

More often than not nowadays, when he saw Eliot he remembered the Monster’s hands on him -  _ how wrong they felt _ . He remembered the blood; he remembered every single thing he had done and that now haunted him. 

 

Not only remembered, _ no _ , he lived them over and over again.

 

So the only person that could give him the solace he needed, wanted, _ yearned for _ , was the person that triggered the flashbacks.

 

It wasn’t fair, Eliot was probably suffering even more than he was, and he couldn’t even bear to look at him right now.

 

His brain was already broken, Quentin didn’t need it to get even more fucked up, but well that was his life.

 

Everyone was worried, Julia seemed to understand what was going on though, and tried her best to be there for him whenever she could.

 

“ _ You’ll be ok Q. _ ”

 

She held onto him, as tight as she could, trying to ground him there with her, while he cried it all out. Best friends through it all, even the brokenness of their own selves. He could never thank her enough, _ never _ .

 

Eliot also wanted to be there for him, Quentin knew that, but he never forced the issue even as he smiled sadly and kept his distance; he wanted nothing more than to knock on his door and hug him to his chest.

 

But when he saw Quentin on the floor, clutching at his head and crying, Eliot’s heart dropped. Running to him, he kneeled on the floor and pulled him to his chest. 

 

Shushing him, Eliot kissed his head and waited till he calmed down; he was scared Quentin might fight back his hold, but no, he grabbed onto him as if he was his lifeline.

 

They sat there for a while, Eliot wasn’t going anywhere soon, not when he hadn’t been able to touch in forever, not when Q needed him, not when he was holding onto him like that and breathing him in.

 

With his chin on top of Quentin’s head, Eliot finally broke the silence, “So, wanna talk?”

 

He still didn’t want to force him to talk, but enough was enough, Quentin was suffering and talking might help him - _ he hoped _ .

 

_ “Not really. _ ”

 

Quentin sounded tired, so very tired, but still…

 

“Q, what’s going on? You won’t even look at me anymore, and now  _ this _ ...tell me.”

 

“I helped the monster kill Gods, I saw him kill people and did nothing, I- _ I _ did things, and  _ you _ -”

 

“ _ It’s ok _ , keep going.” Eliot said, rubbing his back soothingly.

 

“ _ You weren’t here _ , but  _ he _ was, with your face and your eyes, and he told me you were dead.  _ And then you weren’t! _ He almost killed you. Your hands touched me, _ but they weren’t yours _ , and it broke me, I’m broken and I don’t know what to do.” he was mostly rambling at this point, but at least he was talking.

 

It hurt him to even consider this, but if he was hurting him; just seeing his face and looking at his eyes hurt Quentin and that was unforgivable. “ _ Do you want me to leave? _ ”

 

_ “No!” _

 

Relief washed over Eliot, and he could feel Q’s grip on him grow even tighter.

 

“Don’t go.  _ Please. _ ”

 

Things weren’t about to be solved that easily, they never were, but for the first time in a long time Quentin felt at peace. And he wondered why he kept Eliot at bay like that; nothing would ever be resolved by avoiding him, although if his body,  _ his brain _ , realized that was Eliot and not the Monster, maybe...he’d be able to move past this.

  
The last thing he heard before he fell asleep in Eliot’s arms was, “ _ Welcome home Q. _ ”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm also kickassfu on tumblr~~


End file.
